After being diagnosed on the spectrum nearly 30 years ago, I worked to get my way into services. It was always stated in my plans that I have “black or white” thinking. There are no gray areas when it comes to things that are a challenge for me. At the beginning of this year, I began to understand what that meant. It was explained to me in a clearer way. It is what is known today as “all-or-nothing” thinking. I now see that is one of the things of being autistic that many times makes living life so challenging.

Often I have lived my life in all-or-nothing mode. Everything was fine if it was not causing any challenge and was going just right for me. But when I encountered something that required me to think differently, my anxiety would often interfere. My anxiety would interfere with my daily living. I worried about whether it would work out. I ruminated, overthought, and considered every possible thing that can happen. I believed certain outcomes would occur without actually seeking and finding out what would truly happen.

There have been countless instances where I felt uncertain if I did not know how something was going to happen. If I couldn’t tailor it to my liking, I eased my mind by avoiding it. As many autistic people thrive on predictability and routine, changes and disruptions can be challenging. When things change, we want to have an understanding of how things will go or what is bothering us. The solution often lies in finding ways to remove the sources of upset, overwhelm, or anxiety. We need to evaluate what we can control and find ways to regulate our emotional state. This helps prevent unhealthy behaviors. It can be frightening for those around us when our inability to manage emotions carries over into unhealthy ways. We aim to find strategies that help us relax.

For far too long, I let anxiety control my life. I didn’t see that I needed to do my research. I should ask questions and know all I can. I also needed to cope when things make me anxious. I avoid situations because anxiety trumps everything else in my brain. It prevents me from seeing that I am safe and my needs are met. When I have to do something or something changes in my life, I often feel overwhelmed. I doubt my ability to handle the issue at hand. I don’t always realize that I will be just fine. My brain makes me anxious by thinking something bad is going to happen. It convinces me it will be the worst thing that will happen. Many times in my life that has not been the case. The anxiety often goes away from me and once I feel safe, then the day gets better.

Until I feel safe, I say and think some of the worst things. The people who care about me should never hear these hurtful words. It has been a lot to work through these issues. When I do things that I love, anxiety often gets in the way. This only makes decision-making worse. If other parts of my mental health are not cared for, it can make things even worse. I also know that things are not as bad when I am taking my medication. I’ve finally understood that being properly educated helps me know it takes doing whatever it takes to make things easier. This helps in taking off the edges that can be experienced.

It has taken many years to understand the all-or-nothing thinking. This way of thinking is detrimental when anxiety sometimes overrides my wishes. It keeps me back from the things that I need to do to exist in this world. Even though that is not the end-all, cure-all, it makes things go easier in the end.