As I had stated yesterday, I had struggled with the ability to engage in self-care. It has been something that has been a barrier over the past five years. Every time I tried to engage in self-care, I had something bad happen. But for once a few months ago, I experienced autistic burnout. It allowed me to see that self-care was needed. My anxiety began to hold me back, but eventually, I gave in to the need to practice self-care.

There is something I admitted to feeling bad about. I had felt guilty about standing up to say I needed to stay home. I had to do what was necessary to break from the daily routine. It felt wrong to want to stay home. I just wanted to do things that I wanted to do. I am a human being on the go several days a week. Just because I am autistic and do not take vacations doesn’t mean that I should take time for myself. But, I couldn’t see that it was OK. I often based what I should do on what my mother thought.

My mother and I have a close relationship. Until recently we had often lied hand in hand. But lately I have recognized that I need to do things to care for myself more and more. Yet, I feel guilty about the need to take time to practice self-care. I feel anxious about whether I should make the decision. I wonder if I need to commit to making time for self-care. Even though my mother doesn’t understand. I try to explain in a way that makes sense to me. It is like I have to plea my case so I can feel validated to take the time I need.

A few months ago, I took the time that I needed to practice self-care. I did it on my own. While I felt anxious about making the commitment at first, I knew that it was for the best. I had gone to all my supports feeling guilty about needing to care for myself, especially after experiencing autistic burnout. I felt like I had to justify taking time for myself. It was clear that it was necessary.

Yet, I pushed through and made the decision to take the time that I needed to practice self-care. I did not feel as bad as I pushed through. No one, including my mother made me feel horrifically bad for it. That has been one of the barriers that I have had. While I take the time, it is not feeling bad for doing so.

Eventually, I had felt better about the necessity of taking time for self-care. I no longer worried that something bad would happen. I am more confident in myself. I know that I can take time for myself. I do not have to worry about being chained down to things. I can step away from them once in a while. Knowing that I did it and not feeling guilty about it in the process is a big step for me.