As time has passed this year, things have slowed down, and I am becoming more mentally clear about the fact that there are things in my life that are necessary tools in order to bring stability in a world where there are chances for uncertainty. I have realized that while all along things like mental health medications are a necessity for making the brain work in a way that allows me to manage the challenges and uncertainty that life brings.

There can be so much that can go on in a world where we cannot control everything, so it meets our needs. For so long I wanted to be in control of everything so it would provide me with the comfort, safety, and assurance that I needed to get through the day. However, as I became more mentally stable after my last relapse from my mental health medication I began to understand how much better I was able to function in a world where I was unable to control the factors around me or have control what was happening but in a way I needed to be able to cohabitate in the same way for my  mental health but now being more aware that if I had not the tools that I have had all along, the situations that I had to endure would be much more challenging and could be very reactive and consequential in nature.

Looking back, over all those years when I have been more reactive than initiative-taking at situations that were beyond my control were when I was not my best self. Whether it was either by not properly adhering to my medication regimen or whether my body was full of excessive energy fueled by a combination of too much of the food and drinks that I know are unhealthy for me to only become emulsified when there was a breaking point of having uncertainty or other related conditions that provide me comfort.

Thankfully as an adult, this has mostly resulted in being of a verbal nature. However, my parents, especially my mother were at times easy targets along with a school administrator that my mother with the guidance of my therapist made me write a letter of apology to them my actions when to a degree it was an overreach of concern by my parents, but ultimately my parents have always reminded me that I need to take responsibility for my actions and make them right when necessary and appropriate.

Regardless, it has been a long road to where I am today, and I am quite hopeful that I will never regress to the state that I was in years past. I am working my way to start to let my old behaviors go because I know my parents can no longer save me from the times when I am in that state of mind. In fact, they have done such an act to remind me, however, I am grateful for those that have helped in any way work towards finding the other tools necessary towards becoming more regulated, although it is without a doubt that my mental health medications are and always have been a necessity just like any physical health condition. It is about thriving, not just surviving as I work to better my life going forward.