One of the traits of my being autistic is being socially awkward. While I have come a long way in understanding the social nuances of the world, there’s times of connecting with others that has caused a regression of wanting to extend myself out again with the feeling of being hurt or rejected for who I am, although in many cases, I am assured that is not the case and I am accepted for who I am.
Recently, I have been mostly in a bad spot. I have realized that I have spun into this pattern of self-sabotage of not wanting to reach out to those that reach out to me for friendship and support. I live in fear of many actions that I have experienced in past experiences and relationships that came mostly from toxic people, although not all people are that way, I automatically jump to that theory because of having many toxic relationships and having skewed thoughts.
Our mind can be our own worst enemy. For me, I have experienced decades of being told what I did wrong and the bad things I was, this in turn has lowered my self-esteem greatly, yet I am working on turning my thought patterns around.
For many years, I thought of meditation as a waste or one of those things for hippies or old people. I was taught grounding and relaxing techniques near when I hit rock bottom over two years ago. I am now realizing the benefits of these things and incorporating them into my daily life and how much better they make me feel in my life and my ability to conquer things.
Having to manage the complexities of that and other situations in the course of the past near four years has caused additional trauma and regression that is taking time to repair.
If you have been following me on my platforms the last few weeks, you've heard that I have to navigate a construction zone to get to the rest of my town from my neighborhood.
Sharing my thoughts before settling in for the night and the struggle I have faced for many evenings over the past four years while trying to make it the past.
In recent weeks, I have been accepting the need for free time where I am not engaged in an object or item at hand. For most of my life, until I chose not to have Cable TV in my own home at 35, when it has been all I know, I am realizing that I can choose and limit the content I watch in order to keep me entertained and not so much engaged in something.
In life, it is important to stick to certain things in order for them to work and make you well. I am beginning to learn why it is more than ever important to stick with your medication regimen. While it may not be for some, I know I have the perfect cocktail in order to maintain optimal wellness.
Over the years, I have been reading more about Autistic Burnout and exactly what it is. I think that I have always experienced it, but never understood it, nor have I accepted the fact that it is OK to not be constantly engaged in something, whether it be a special interest or something that I like to do that isn’t an interest. I am starting to learn finally that autisicic burnout is something that comes with the autism diagnosis and that accepting it will put my mind more at ease and I will be able to function better in life.